I was reading a newspaper yesterday, and I got to the “Classified Section” of the paper ( I think it was that Bombay Mix with the December 2009 sell by date, that I scoffed the night before) where one can view the latest people to have died, some peacefully, and some suddenly, although I think that there should be some limit, age wise, for someone to have died suddenly. Once one hits the three score and ten age mark, anything after that is NOT sudden. I know that there are people in their 70’s, & 80’s that are still working, or are very able people, but, if you go to church, on a Sunday, you will see a great deal more old people than young people. Some of them may well be just going to church, because they’ve got one foot in the grave, and are covering all their bets, just in case there really is a God, and at least they can say to Peter, that they went to church on a Sunday. I’ve digressed from what I wanted to do here, but just to remind all the coffin dodgers out there, 70+ not sudden.

I then came across the Accommodation To Let page, and noticed that a lot of the landlords ( and Land Lady, of course, I have kept LandLady in the singular context, because there is only one LandLady) don’t want DSS to rent their property. Why? I know not, however, they may find it a bit difficult, in the current economic climate, to find someone suitable. One entry stated that only non-smoking, God-fearing, single, working Gents, who are heterosexual, clean living, non-drinking and have no pets need apply. Firstly I had to look up heterosexual, not the meaning, but the spelling of heterosexual, although the meaning is  …Sexually oriented to persons of the opposite sex.  I got a bit side-tracked, and started looking up other meanings. Did you know that monogamy is not a type of wood? I never, well Oh yeah, sorry got lost there./ Right emm, oh yeah the ad for the accommodation to let, well I don’t think that person/gent exists anymore, in fact I doubt very much if he ever did, a working gent? Huh, yeah right….

Thank you very much for coming to this neglected little piece of the Blogosphere, that is my Virtual Home, and reading this thing that I do, in this place that I do it in. Now, have we learned anything by coming here today? Monogamy is not a type of wood? Sorry I still can’t get over that. I’m gonna check with the Oxford Dic. to make sure aboot Monogamy. While I’m there maybe I’ll check to see why Jews don’t like my Genitals, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find out, and if I do, I’ll let you know.

Maybe it’s just the hoodies that they don’t like, and not all Genitals, you know they have a crew neck sweater on their man-bit ( that’s penis for all you grown up people out there, although I doubt many grown up people come here) and others have a Hoody on their Willie. Just a thought Cheery…. 

Tags: B4, BTW, cu, D8, Eff Aff, G8, GR8, L8, LOL, M8, MI5, ROFL, SFA, SK8, W8

Sitting here waiting on the Insurance company answering the bloody phone, apparently ALL their operators are busy just now, so they think that playing Beethoven’s 5th ( just a wild guess, not one for the classics) at full blast is gonna make me feel calm, and assured, that one of their effin’ operators will interrupt the never ending “Sorry all of our operators are busy just now” then Mozart’s Stringed Concerto, played down the telephone lines at eardrum damaging level of sound. Maybe I’m getting old ( I am getting old, we are all getting old, every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day, we get closer, and closer to The Grim Reaper, or, if you are one of those peoples that believe that there is a God, then you’re getting closer to being with your maker in Heaven, if only?) but couldn’t they (the Providential bloody scare mongering Insurance bastards) just employ a few more operators to answer the telephone? Is that too much to ask? When I have to contact these people ( the scare-mongering bastards) I punch in their number ( it’s a freephone number, so they’re paying for the call, over 7 minutes, still no operator available) and I expect someone to answer the ‘phone, withing a few seconds, 4, maybe 5 rings? I’d even go as far as accepting my call being answered before some robotic voice gives me options to select, and NONE of the options are significant to me, press 1 for blah-blah, press 2 for waffle-waffle, press 3 for nothing to do with you, and on and on it goes.

I’m not very fond of Insurers, I do hope that this was not evident in this rant, because Insurers have a very valuable role in society, and they are up there, on the same pedestal as lawyers, accountants, and Estate Agents. They earn their living by imposing on your worst fears, like ” You’re going to die soon, so make sure that you have a decent burial, it only costs 25p per day, a small price to pay for piece of mind” Look when I kick the bucket, I won’t be giving a shit about any piece of mind, or if my corpse is being picked over by those chip thieving seagulls, or in an attractively priced coffin 6 feet under, because I will be dead, & if there is a God, I’ll no doubt be in a warmer place than I am now.

I’d like to apologise for the use of inappropriate language contained within this weblog posting, but I effin’ won’t. If you are easily offended, then don’t read this pish, that I’m thumping into here, because if there are any sure things left in this world ( Real or Virtual) then you can be sure that I will offend someone, and if that someone is you, then ha, ha, bloody, ha, you’ve made my day.

Thank you for coming to my little piece of the Blogosphere, and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in. This place being the World (in)famous Island Blogging. Have we learned anything by reading this? I don’t know, and being really honest about that question, I don’t fucking care. Cheery…

Tags: curser, donkey, front bum, Knob-Head, swear, Swines

Merry Christmas, Happy Yuletide To You ALL

From everyone at Thewhitesettlers Croft

I underlined the word “all” because some people may, like me, not be into all the Jesus and God stuff, in fact sometimes, and this is only a personal opinion, it spoils Xmas a bit. I like all the Santa and Sleigh-bells stuff, and the giving and receiving of presents, and all the eating and drinking stuff that goes on. I like all those bits of Xmas. There may also be people out there who are not Christians, and believe in a different God, who isn’t into all the Santa stuff, and just wants you to worship Him all the time, if that’s what floats yer boat, then fine carry on, but don’t poke yer nose into my Xmas to try and spoil it. You are quite welcome to celebrate Xmas along with everyone else ( when in Rome, and all that, ye know what I mean!) that’s fine, but don’t go about saying that all the Xmas celebrations offends you. Then get some eejit councilors to try and change Xmas, by calling it Winter Festival, and banning the Nativity. These things are part of this country, it’s a time when people actually speak to each other nicely, until Boxing Day when, well arguments start, and well it’s not called Boxing day for nothing.

Maybe you can make up a festival, or celebration of your own at this time of year. That would be grand, because nobody will complain, and if they do, you can point out that Christians hijacked the Pagan festival, and stole it, then called it Christmas.

Have A Cheery Xmas

Tags: Father Xmas, Jordan, Santa

There are 2 chicken balls still to be eaten from last nights Sweet and Sour Chicken Chinese carry out. Should I nuke them in the microwave, to heat them up? Should I not bother, and just eat them cold? Should I leave them for one of the 2 female species living in this house, to deal with? Or should I just bin them? This is just one of the many challenges that I ( Thewhitesettler) face on a daily basis. You may well think that worrying over what to do with a couple of balls left over is a very minor problem ( not an “Under-age Minor” but a very, very, very small problem) but if you were a Vet, and you had just performed an operation on, for arguments sake, a cat, and you had 2 balls left over from the operation, it may not be a “Minor Problem” deciding how to dispose of them, now is it? { If you are in any doubt about the size of the problem, just ask the Cat formerly known as The Flying Cat (FC) now known as The Kingdom Cat (KC) ( Without any Sunshine Band) also known as KFC, but no balls}

Now I’d like to inform you all ( if there is more than 1 reader of this blog) of a few of my likes, and dislikes that I have picked up on the Highway of Life.

I do not like to see women wearing “Pop-Socks” when wearing a skirt, it sends a shiver down my back just thinking about it. I remember one time, a few years ago, when an elderly woman was sitting opposite me on a bus, and she was wearing pop-socks and a skirt, her legs were a very milky white, with bright blue varicose veins running up and down them like an old road map. I had to get off the bus a few stops before my destination, as I was feeling rather sick, even now recalling this horrific episode, I can feel my stomach heaving ( I’ve just swallowed a little bit of sick, I’ll need to go and have a drink of water, but I’ll be back in a jiffy)

I also dislike the way Insurance companies sell their policies to us. They prey on your biggest fears, your worst nightmares, by informing you that if you die ( we all will at some point) without leaving any monies from an Insurance Policy then your body will be left rotting until your family have raised enough money to bury your body, or dispose of it. They will have to go begging in the streets ( if you have a dog as a pet, this is one of those few occasions where they can be useful, beggars with dogs do tend to receive more donations than those without, and you never see beggars with cats sitting beside them, with a sad look on their face do you?) they may have to resort to selling body parts, or prostitution, or become a “Runner” for an evil Drug Barron, who will get your children, or other relations you care for, hooked on Smack, or some other mind numbing, life sucking drug. All because you did not take out Life Insurance. I do not watch day time television, because the adverts are full of those type of ads, with June Whitfield, or Michael Parkinson, telling us how easy it is to leave a little nest egg for your family once you have breathed your last breath. They even tempt you with little gifts for you once you’ve signed up. I’d like to point out that I do not watch day time television just because of the coffin dodging former tv celebs endorsing sh*tty products,it is also sh*t.

I better stop now as my one fingered typing is making my finger, that does the one fingered typing, a bit sore, it’s at the numb stage just now, so I’ll quit before it gets any worse. Thank you , as ever, for coming to my little piece of the Blogosphere, and reading this thing that I just did. Have you learned any valuable lessons from your visit? Yes of course you have, you have learned to be careful where you sit on a bus, as it is a dangerous place, full of other people, mostly weird people. Cheery…

Ps if an erection is called a “Hard On” does that mean that a non erect penis is a “Soft Off” or just a disappointment?

This PS was sponsored by Viagra. “Not The Soft Option”

Tags: balls, castration, KFC, sexy legs

Tags: b4u, cu, fck, fu, kcf, KFC

There was this man, let’s call him Dave, who was getting headaches and had a bit of a cough, so, eventually, he made an appointment to see the Doctor. This is Dave’s tale.

Dr. “Oh come in Dave, haven’t seen you for a while, take a seat.” (There is a wee joke in there, but I’ll resist)

Dave. ” Well Dr. I’ve had this cough, and I’m getting bad headaches, and “The Wife” told me to come”

Dr. ” Okay then, Are you still smoking?”

Dave. “Yes, but I’m trying to cut down”

Dr. ” Well there’s your problem Dave, you’ll need to stop smoking, before you’ll get any better.

Dave. “Yeah, I’ll try Doc, bye”

The Following Year

Dr. “Oh come in Dave, haven’t seen you for a while, take a seat.”

Dave. ” Well Dr. I’ve still got this cough, and I’m still getting the headaches, and “The Wife” told me to come”

Dr. ” Okay then, Are you still smoking?”

Dave. ” No I stopped after the last time I was here, a year ago, when you told me that I wouldn’t get any better until I gave up the ciggies”

Dr. ” Very good Dave, what about drinking? Do you still like a few pints and a few drams at the weekend?”

Dave. ” Well, yeah, but it’s only a few drams on a Saturday night, and maybe a pint or two after work during the week Dr”

Dr. ” Well there’s your problem Dave, you’ll need to cut down on your alcohol consumption, before you’ll see any improvement”

Dave. “Yeah, I’ll try Doc, bye”

Another Year Passes.

Dr. “Oh come in Dave, haven’t seen you for a while, take a seat.”

Dave. ” Well Dr. I’ve still got this cough, and I’m still getting the headaches, and “The Wife” told me to come”

Dr. ” Okay then, Are you still off the tobacco?”

Dave. “Yeah, and I’ve cut down on the booze Dr. I hardly ever go out now, the cough, and the headaches are getting worse, so I very rarely have a dram”

Dr. ” Very good Dave, what about exercise?

Dave. ” Well I walk to work everyday, and I sometimes go for a kick-about with the kids at the weekend, but apart from that, not much”

Dr. ” Well there’s your problem Dave, you’ll need to do a bit more exercising Dave, before you’ll see any improvements, here since it’s yourself, I’ll give you some Paracetamols for the headaches”

Dave ” Oh thanks very much Doctor, that’s very good of you”

Dr. ” Oh that’s no bother Dave”

Another year passes

Bob ( Dave’s buddy) { talking to the Dr} You wouldn’t think that a cough and a headache would be a killer

Dr. ” The coughing can lead to the coffin, Bob!”

Bob ” Right Doc. Oh here’s the coffin now”

Fin….

Tags: booze, coffin, coughing, drugs, sex

My teachers at school didn’t prepare me for this life

Mum and dad were only doing their best for me

The Catholic priest that taught us sex education

The runaway girls who disappeared with my Cherry

My older brothers only out for themselves

I only told the “Shrink” what he wanted to hear

So unprepared for love, the first time around

Sorry little Annie, but I never really loved you

Eileen you broke my heart while on the rebound

Drink and drugs were not very good friends

Working hard to earn a few pounds, helped hide the pain

Love knocked on my door, caught Her on the rebound

Walking hand in hand to see the perfect sun-rise

Left my friends and family for the final time

Love had enveloped me, as I dropped to one knee

The answer was what I longed for it to be

Happy, smiling faces as we both said “I DO”

A baby boy that showed we were so much in love

Hard times we had, yet we struggled through

A baby girl, so beautiful, it took my breath away

Life got harder for me, couldn’t face responsibility

No more running away, I’m a husband and father now

Ill health cut me down, the end product of my youth?

I look at life from a lonely first floor window now

There are no bars, but this is still my prison cell

You’re The Warden, The Governor, The Guard with the keys

If you set me free, I would have nowhere to go

A love-less house, where once stood a happy home

Use the key and open your heart, then you’ll see

There will always be a little bit of me there

Do I love you? I honestly no longer know

The Un-requited love glass is empty now………….

Tags: hate, life, love, power, taste

As I open my email, I see an email that may perk me up.

“Hi Tws, someone has sent you an Ecard”

Tws-: “Oh goody, goody, goody I like getting Ecards, I wonder who it is from? Hmm, now let me think. Could it be from? Nah, doubt it I’ve never received an Ecard from them before, Oh it’s opened up now.

“To view your Ecard please click here and download the software”

Tws-: Woah, hang on a minute there Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, I think that one of us, that’ll be me and you, Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, is telling *Pork-Pies* ( that’s lies, so Carol doesn’t need to ask) and I can assure you Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, it ain’t me.

” Please click on the yellow bar above to download software, and view over 10,000 fun Ecards”

Tws-: No I will not. The day I let some fraudulent Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, tell me what to do, is the day Hell freezes over. Oh that yellow bar? Maybe I could just click on it, and if I don’t like any of the Ecards, I could just delete/remove the software later, yes? NO! NO! NO! Remember what Herself has said to you about downloading frivolous software?

Tws2-: Actually no I don’t remember.

Tws1-:Well let me remind you, shall I?

Tws2-:Emm, no don’t bother, I’ve decided NOT, to download Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard anyway, how can one trust an email that lies to one at the very start?

Tws1-: That’s good thinking there my man, forget about it, and move on with your virtual life. Don’t let these flirtatious emails get to you, you’re better than them.

Tws2- Yeah you’re right, but, there is one thing that is really getting to me, a little nagging, thing at the back of my mind.

Tws1-: Yes carry on, let it all out, we’re here to help you ( We???)

Tws2-: How come you got to be Tws1? I’m the one that started all of this in the first place, I should be Tws1, not you.

Tws1-: They are only numbers for goodness sake Tws2, just let it go, or it could spoil your whole weekend.

Tws2-: That Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, has already spoilt my weekend, I thought that maybe, just maybe, someone was sending me an early (significant) birthday Ecard. 

Tws1-: Oh hang fire there No.2, I thought that you didn’t want to be reminded about your, upcoming, significant birthday?

Tws2-: Yeah, but, well, you know, that’s what I want everyone to think, I’m just trying to play it cool, because, if you remember, *Only The Good Die Young* and once I’ve hit that age, well am I considered young anymore?

Tws1-: Wait there No.2

Tws2-:( Butting In ) I’m not sure I like you calling me “No.2″

Tws1-: Okay then I won’t call you that, but getting back to my point, did I have a point? Anyway, there are still a few days to go before your significant birthday, a whole weekend to get through in fact, so if you’ve been *Good* you’ll pop yer cork/kick the bucket/drop down dead before Tuesday

Tws2-: Oh thanks for that buddy, you’ve really perked me up a bit now. Just one question though, if *Only The Good Die Young* ( A Good Title for a Clint Eastwood film/movie?) does that make all those old people out there BAD? 

Well that’s it then for another weblog posting, wait though, a bit of lacal news, the dog show is on this weekend, and Getoffthe will be there, if you see Her there, please don’t laugh at Her, she is only going along with it, to keep the peace. So thank you for coming here and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in, this place being, the (in)famous Island Blogging. Now have we learned anything new here today? Yes, I believe that we have, we have learned that not all SPAM tastes yummy, some leave a very nasty, bitter taste in the mouth. That’s it then. Cheery…

Tags: desire, help, orgasms, prison, Spam