I was reading a newspaper yesterday, and I got to the “Classified Section” of the paper ( I think it was that Bombay Mix with the December 2009 sell by date, that I scoffed the night before) where one can view the latest people to have died, some peacefully, and some suddenly, although I think that there should be some limit, age wise, for someone to have died suddenly. Once one hits the three score and ten age mark, anything after that is NOT sudden. I know that there are people in their 70’s, & 80’s that are still working, or are very able people, but, if you go to church, on a Sunday, you will see a great deal more old people than young people. Some of them may well be just going to church, because they’ve got one foot in the grave, and are covering all their bets, just in case there really is a God, and at least they can say to Peter, that they went to church on a Sunday. I’ve digressed from what I wanted to do here, but just to remind all the coffin dodgers out there, 70+ not sudden.

I then came across the Accommodation To Let page, and noticed that a lot of the landlords ( and Land Lady, of course, I have kept LandLady in the singular context, because there is only one LandLady) don’t want DSS to rent their property. Why? I know not, however, they may find it a bit difficult, in the current economic climate, to find someone suitable. One entry stated that only non-smoking, God-fearing, single, working Gents, who are heterosexual, clean living, non-drinking and have no pets need apply. Firstly I had to look up heterosexual, not the meaning, but the spelling of heterosexual, although the meaning is  …Sexually oriented to persons of the opposite sex.  I got a bit side-tracked, and started looking up other meanings. Did you know that monogamy is not a type of wood? I never, well Oh yeah, sorry got lost there./ Right emm, oh yeah the ad for the accommodation to let, well I don’t think that person/gent exists anymore, in fact I doubt very much if he ever did, a working gent? Huh, yeah right….

Thank you very much for coming to this neglected little piece of the Blogosphere, that is my Virtual Home, and reading this thing that I do, in this place that I do it in. Now, have we learned anything by coming here today? Monogamy is not a type of wood? Sorry I still can’t get over that. I’m gonna check with the Oxford Dic. to make sure aboot Monogamy. While I’m there maybe I’ll check to see why Jews don’t like my Genitals, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find out, and if I do, I’ll let you know.

Maybe it’s just the hoodies that they don’t like, and not all Genitals, you know they have a crew neck sweater on their man-bit ( that’s penis for all you grown up people out there, although I doubt many grown up people come here) and others have a Hoody on their Willie. Just a thought Cheery…. 

Oh the shame, the shame………………….

Sitting here waiting on the Insurance company answering the bloody phone, apparently ALL their operators are busy just now, so they think that playing Beethoven’s 5th ( just a wild guess, not one for the classics) at full blast is gonna make me feel calm, and assured, that one of their effin’ operators will interrupt the never ending “Sorry all of our operators are busy just now” then Mozart’s Stringed Concerto, played down the telephone lines at eardrum damaging level of sound. Maybe I’m getting old ( I am getting old, we are all getting old, every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day, we get closer, and closer to The Grim Reaper, or, if you are one of those peoples that believe that there is a God, then you’re getting closer to being with your maker in Heaven, if only?) but couldn’t they (the Providential bloody scare mongering Insurance bastards) just employ a few more operators to answer the telephone? Is that too much to ask? When I have to contact these people ( the scare-mongering bastards) I punch in their number ( it’s a freephone number, so they’re paying for the call, over 7 minutes, still no operator available) and I expect someone to answer the ‘phone, withing a few seconds, 4, maybe 5 rings? I’d even go as far as accepting my call being answered before some robotic voice gives me options to select, and NONE of the options are significant to me, press 1 for blah-blah, press 2 for waffle-waffle, press 3 for nothing to do with you, and on and on it goes.

I’m not very fond of Insurers, I do hope that this was not evident in this rant, because Insurers have a very valuable role in society, and they are up there, on the same pedestal as lawyers, accountants, and Estate Agents. They earn their living by imposing on your worst fears, like ” You’re going to die soon, so make sure that you have a decent burial, it only costs 25p per day, a small price to pay for piece of mind” Look when I kick the bucket, I won’t be giving a shit about any piece of mind, or if my corpse is being picked over by those chip thieving seagulls, or in an attractively priced coffin 6 feet under, because I will be dead, & if there is a God, I’ll no doubt be in a warmer place than I am now.

I’d like to apologise for the use of inappropriate language contained within this weblog posting, but I effin’ won’t. If you are easily offended, then don’t read this pish, that I’m thumping into here, because if there are any sure things left in this world ( Real or Virtual) then you can be sure that I will offend someone, and if that someone is you, then ha, ha, bloody, ha, you’ve made my day.

Thank you for coming to my little piece of the Blogosphere, and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in. This place being the World (in)famous Island Blogging. Have we learned anything by reading this? I don’t know, and being really honest about that question, I don’t fucking care. Cheery…

I’m pretty sure that most of us have cheated at some point in our lives, it could be cheating at cards, cheating in sport, and lots of others that I can’t think of just now. Oh wait, there is one more that I remember, cheating in love and marriage. There are different views on love cheats, a man cheating with another woman, is thought of as a Romeo, or a scallywag, however the woman is called a slut, or a whore, and many others that I could, but won’t mention.

There was once a woman who was married for a number of years, she wasn’t still madly in love with her hubby, but she cared about him, and possibly thought that *It’s better the Devil you know, than the one you don’t* This woman who I’ll call Carly-Jean, or CJ for short, got a promotion in her job, and it was the job she always wanted. CJ then had to work alongside outside contractors, and was a woman in a mostly, male world. She got to know one of these men, who we’ll call David John ( DJ) very well and they shared their problems with each other, and got to know each other intimately, although how far that went I do not know, I have heard rumours but won’t condemn someone here. The male DJ, was telling CJ how his ex-wife had been hitting him, and accusing him of having affairs with other women, which DJ told CJ were NOT true. He then got a divorce from her, and met another women, who he was living with at the time, however she is making his life a misery by asking him where he is, and what he is doing all the time, and after a period of time she also called him a Cheat, and this was causing DJ so much stress that he had to go to the Dr. and get some medication to help him cope with life. Now CJ ( the woman) hearing all this felt very sorry for DJ, because she had always thought that he was a very nice man, he went to church every Sunday, was always smartly dressed, and  doesn’t drink very much, a non-smoker, and looks after himself, by going to the gym etc.

A few weeks  passed and CJ & DJ could only find time to email, and text each other, but they did meet through their work, and DJ told CJ that his female partner had thrown him out onto the streets, and he was living in his office just now. Well CJ felt so sorry for poor DJ, and she then gave him a big hug, which then became a kiss, and eventually they had sex with each other. After a short period of time( a cooling off period?) DJ told CJ that his female partner had let him back into the house to stay, and he informed CJ that it would only be a temporally arrangement, and he is in the spare room, and not sharing a bed. ( this was found later to be untrue)

A few months passed and DJ & CJ were catching brief moments with each other, some more intimate than others. Then the sh*t hit the fan. CJ saw DJ kissing another woman intimately. She ran away and burst into tears, because the penny dropped. DJ was not the innocent party in all his fights with female partners, and what they accused him of, (having affairs with other women) was in fact true. She then went home and her husband was on the ‘phone to someone. It was the female partner of DJ telling Hubby all about DJ &CJ.

This story may, or may not be true. There could be no DJ, CJ, or other women involved, but I’m sure that, through time, we have all known a DJ, or CJ, maybe not a relative or friend, but someone we know of.

Trust

What is trust?
Who can we trust?
Can we trust our loved ones?
Can we trust each other?
Do we need to earn trust?
Can I trust you with a secret?
Can we trust our police force?
Can we trust our political masters?
Can we trust what we hear?
Can we trust our eyes?
Can we trust the camera to never lie?
Is trust very important to you?
Without trust what do we have?
Can we trust our landlords?
Can we trust our children?
Can we trust our friends?
Without trust, there can be no friendship.
Without friendship, there can be no trust.
Do you trust me?
Is trust the most important factor in a relationship?
I trust that you will forgive me this one time

Cheery…

On the snow covered wilderness, that is the Tws Croft, I could see someone or something in the distance. Whatever it was, it was getting closer, and closer, until.
*Please click on title to view this weblog post

T’was a cold night in Thewhitesettlers Croft, they had no peat to put on the fire, then someone, or something rang the doorbell, which shocked Tws, as they did not have a doorbell, as Getoffthe ( the faithful dog, although she is technically…) drew the short straw, she went to open the door, then to her surprise, nay shock, her eyes looked upon …………………..

@Twas the day before Christmas past………………………….
Click on the title to view the full weblog posting.
http://www.sweatband.com

I was driving along the the Internet highway, as I have done on numerous occasions before, and was just cruising through some of the back streets, when a sign hit me ( it never actually hit me, how could it? Virtual or real?) it read “Is This Your Wife/Mother?” I thought that I would investigate, just in case it was Herself, or Mammasettler. As I was awaiting this site to upload onto my PC, I was wondering who could possibly make a website like that. The Salvation Army? They’re always good for re-uniting families, finding lost children. Maybe the Police? It is possible that they have found wives and mothers wandering the streets not knowing who they are, or where they come from, and they made this website “Is This Your Mother/Wife” to try to locate the husbands & sons.  However I was stunned to see that it had nothing whatsoever to do with wives or mothers that had gone missing, or were in the care of The Salvation Army. This was a website where wives and mothers removed items of clothing and performed a multitude of different sexual acts. I was in a state of shock, thinking that these Ladies could be a wife and mother. Then as I tried to exit this website, a 30 second video trailer popped up on the screen. It was of adult content, then towards the end of the 30 seconds I looked at the face of the “STAR” of this movie ( there was too much going on elsewhere, which is why it took me so long to notice her face) and it looked very familiar to me. I thought about it, then decided to play the clip again ( for identification purposes only though) that is when I thought that I should have known what kind of site this was, as the video clips were from a site, aptly named, “F*CK-U-TUBE” So as I was watching the video clip again, I tried to concentrate on the face of the Lady ( not an easy thing to do, as there was so much crammed into a 30 second clip)  but was having difficulty. I then decided to watch it one more time ( again only in the interest of identifying the Lady ) this time I would turn the sound up, listen to anything she was saying, and maybe hear an accent, to assist in the identification. I turned up the volume, then clicked on the play button. She was uttering noises, but it was very hard to make out any distinguishable accent from words such as “OH MY GOD” and “OH YES, OH YES” I then decided to play the video clip again, only this time with my eyes shut, so that I would be able to concentrate on the voice, and not all the other things that were going on. I did manage to keep my eyes closed, after another 3 or 4 attempts, then I knew who this woman was. However I will not be spilling any beans, not on this blog anyway, because if that is what floats her boat, that is up to her, it is not for me to judge, although strictly it would be a 9…

Local news……… Dodgy Dave has decided to appeal against his conviction for selling fake Rolex watches. He is defending himself, and will be trying to plea-bargain his way out of jail. His defence will be that he was unaware that the watches were not made by Rolex, and that even if he was aware of that fact, it would have only been ”An Error of Judgement” Well there are lots of people in London, and elsewhere no doubt, having “An Error of Judgement” regarding their expenses claims.

With regard to MP’s expenses claims, what is their salary for? They claim for meals, clothing, transport, television, mobile phones, cars, petrol, 2nd houses, bills, etc. etc. etc. 

Now onto excerpts from the Tws Book of Englishie Lesson thingies.

To, Too, Two.     I have been to the toilet, because I had too much to eat last night. I wiped my bum two times, once up, and once down.

Your, you’re.  Oh your hair is looking nice this evening. You’re just back from the hairdressers.

Of, off.  Stornoway is on the Isle of Lewis.  The Western Isles are just off the north west coast of Scotland

There, their, they’re.  Over there is where they’re going to have their picnic.

Most computers do have a Spellchecker on them. My PC has a Spellchecker on it, but sometimes it is incorrect, or is an American Spellchecker. I use the Tws..Homographic Phonetic method of spelling. It may be unconventional, but it does the trick.. 

That’s your lot today. I’d like to thank you for coming here and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in. Have we learned anything today? I don’t know about you, but I learned a few new things anyway……….Cheery…

Those 2 chaps from I’m a Jungle, get the celebrity out of me, that are being charge for killing and cooking a rat, well did they cook a Ratatouille?

There are 2 chicken balls still to be eaten from last nights Sweet and Sour Chicken Chinese carry out. Should I nuke them in the microwave, to heat them up? Should I not bother, and just eat them cold? Should I leave them for one of the 2 female species living in this house, to deal with? Or should I just bin them? This is just one of the many challenges that I ( Thewhitesettler) face on a daily basis. You may well think that worrying over what to do with a couple of balls left over is a very minor problem ( not an “Under-age Minor” but a very, very, very small problem) but if you were a Vet, and you had just performed an operation on, for arguments sake, a cat, and you had 2 balls left over from the operation, it may not be a “Minor Problem” deciding how to dispose of them, now is it? { If you are in any doubt about the size of the problem, just ask the Cat formerly known as The Flying Cat (FC) now known as The Kingdom Cat (KC) ( Without any Sunshine Band) also known as KFC, but no balls}

Now I’d like to inform you all ( if there is more than 1 reader of this blog) of a few of my likes, and dislikes that I have picked up on the Highway of Life.

I do not like to see women wearing “Pop-Socks” when wearing a skirt, it sends a shiver down my back just thinking about it. I remember one time, a few years ago, when an elderly woman was sitting opposite me on a bus, and she was wearing pop-socks and a skirt, her legs were a very milky white, with bright blue varicose veins running up and down them like an old road map. I had to get off the bus a few stops before my destination, as I was feeling rather sick, even now recalling this horrific episode, I can feel my stomach heaving ( I’ve just swallowed a little bit of sick, I’ll need to go and have a drink of water, but I’ll be back in a jiffy)

I also dislike the way Insurance companies sell their policies to us. They prey on your biggest fears, your worst nightmares, by informing you that if you die ( we all will at some point) without leaving any monies from an Insurance Policy then your body will be left rotting until your family have raised enough money to bury your body, or dispose of it. They will have to go begging in the streets ( if you have a dog as a pet, this is one of those few occasions where they can be useful, beggars with dogs do tend to receive more donations than those without, and you never see beggars with cats sitting beside them, with a sad look on their face do you?) they may have to resort to selling body parts, or prostitution, or become a “Runner” for an evil Drug Barron, who will get your children, or other relations you care for, hooked on Smack, or some other mind numbing, life sucking drug. All because you did not take out Life Insurance. I do not watch day time television, because the adverts are full of those type of ads, with June Whitfield, or Michael Parkinson, telling us how easy it is to leave a little nest egg for your family once you have breathed your last breath. They even tempt you with little gifts for you once you’ve signed up. I’d like to point out that I do not watch day time television just because of the coffin dodging former tv celebs endorsing sh*tty products,it is also sh*t.

I better stop now as my one fingered typing is making my finger, that does the one fingered typing, a bit sore, it’s at the numb stage just now, so I’ll quit before it gets any worse. Thank you , as ever, for coming to my little piece of the Blogosphere, and reading this thing that I just did. Have you learned any valuable lessons from your visit? Yes of course you have, you have learned to be careful where you sit on a bus, as it is a dangerous place, full of other people, mostly weird people. Cheery…

Ps if an erection is called a “Hard On” does that mean that a non erect penis is a “Soft Off” or just a disappointment?

This PS was sponsored by Viagra. “Not The Soft Option”

The title should really be “Nowhere” I’ve been there a lot, and people from Nowhere are not very lucky on the roads. I’ve often heard drivers say, after they have knocked over a pedestrian ” He came from Nowhere” When I was a teenager ( insert joke here………………….) I often went Nowhere. My mother would ask me “Where are you going at this time of night?” and I’d reply “Nowhere” Well the times when I was feeling in a good mood. If you are trying to do something about the house, maybe repairing the washing machine, and someone may ask you how you’re getting on with the repair, and you may reply “Oh I’m getting Nowhere here” So where is Nowhere? I’m sure that we have all been there at some point in our lives. At school some teachers are often heard telling pupils that if they don’t pass their exams they’ll go Nowhere.

Nowhere has been twinned with Nothing, although it is mostly populated by young adults, as a parent may enquire as to where their off-spring is going out, and to do what? The answer is often “Nowhere and Nothing” If you have Nothing and come out of Nowhere, will you still get a ride in the ambulance to the A&E? Where is Nowhere? What is Nothing? Have you been to Nowhere? Is there really Nothing to do, and Nowhere to go? Is this weblog posting going Nowhere? Will there come a time, maybe not too far away, when I will have Nothing, and be going Nowhere? Oh maybe, just maybe I’m already there ????