I was reading a newspaper yesterday, and I got to the “Classified Section” of the paper ( I think it was that Bombay Mix with the December 2009 sell by date, that I scoffed the night before) where one can view the latest people to have died, some peacefully, and some suddenly, although I think that there should be some limit, age wise, for someone to have died suddenly. Once one hits the three score and ten age mark, anything after that is NOT sudden. I know that there are people in their 70’s, & 80’s that are still working, or are very able people, but, if you go to church, on a Sunday, you will see a great deal more old people than young people. Some of them may well be just going to church, because they’ve got one foot in the grave, and are covering all their bets, just in case there really is a God, and at least they can say to Peter, that they went to church on a Sunday. I’ve digressed from what I wanted to do here, but just to remind all the coffin dodgers out there, 70+ not sudden.

I then came across the Accommodation To Let page, and noticed that a lot of the landlords ( and Land Lady, of course, I have kept LandLady in the singular context, because there is only one LandLady) don’t want DSS to rent their property. Why? I know not, however, they may find it a bit difficult, in the current economic climate, to find someone suitable. One entry stated that only non-smoking, God-fearing, single, working Gents, who are heterosexual, clean living, non-drinking and have no pets need apply. Firstly I had to look up heterosexual, not the meaning, but the spelling of heterosexual, although the meaning is  …Sexually oriented to persons of the opposite sex.  I got a bit side-tracked, and started looking up other meanings. Did you know that monogamy is not a type of wood? I never, well Oh yeah, sorry got lost there./ Right emm, oh yeah the ad for the accommodation to let, well I don’t think that person/gent exists anymore, in fact I doubt very much if he ever did, a working gent? Huh, yeah right….

Thank you very much for coming to this neglected little piece of the Blogosphere, that is my Virtual Home, and reading this thing that I do, in this place that I do it in. Now, have we learned anything by coming here today? Monogamy is not a type of wood? Sorry I still can’t get over that. I’m gonna check with the Oxford Dic. to make sure aboot Monogamy. While I’m there maybe I’ll check to see why Jews don’t like my Genitals, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find out, and if I do, I’ll let you know.

Maybe it’s just the hoodies that they don’t like, and not all Genitals, you know they have a crew neck sweater on their man-bit ( that’s penis for all you grown up people out there, although I doubt many grown up people come here) and others have a Hoody on their Willie. Just a thought Cheery…. 

Oh the shame, the shame………………….

On the snow covered wilderness, that is the Tws Croft, I could see someone or something in the distance. Whatever it was, it was getting closer, and closer, until.
*Please click on title to view this weblog post

‘Tis the season to be jolly, tra la la la la la la la,

T’was a cold night in Thewhitesettlers Croft, they had no peat to put on the fire, then someone, or something rang the doorbell, which shocked Tws, as they did not have a doorbell, as Getoffthe ( the faithful dog, although she is technically…) drew the short straw, she went to open the door, then to her surprise, nay shock, her eyes looked upon …………………..

@Twas the day before Christmas past………………………….
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http://www.sweatband.com

I was driving along the the Internet highway, as I have done on numerous occasions before, and was just cruising through some of the back streets, when a sign hit me ( it never actually hit me, how could it? Virtual or real?) it read “Is This Your Wife/Mother?” I thought that I would investigate, just in case it was Herself, or Mammasettler. As I was awaiting this site to upload onto my PC, I was wondering who could possibly make a website like that. The Salvation Army? They’re always good for re-uniting families, finding lost children. Maybe the Police? It is possible that they have found wives and mothers wandering the streets not knowing who they are, or where they come from, and they made this website “Is This Your Mother/Wife” to try to locate the husbands & sons.  However I was stunned to see that it had nothing whatsoever to do with wives or mothers that had gone missing, or were in the care of The Salvation Army. This was a website where wives and mothers removed items of clothing and performed a multitude of different sexual acts. I was in a state of shock, thinking that these Ladies could be a wife and mother. Then as I tried to exit this website, a 30 second video trailer popped up on the screen. It was of adult content, then towards the end of the 30 seconds I looked at the face of the “STAR” of this movie ( there was too much going on elsewhere, which is why it took me so long to notice her face) and it looked very familiar to me. I thought about it, then decided to play the clip again ( for identification purposes only though) that is when I thought that I should have known what kind of site this was, as the video clips were from a site, aptly named, “F*CK-U-TUBE” So as I was watching the video clip again, I tried to concentrate on the face of the Lady ( not an easy thing to do, as there was so much crammed into a 30 second clip)  but was having difficulty. I then decided to watch it one more time ( again only in the interest of identifying the Lady ) this time I would turn the sound up, listen to anything she was saying, and maybe hear an accent, to assist in the identification. I turned up the volume, then clicked on the play button. She was uttering noises, but it was very hard to make out any distinguishable accent from words such as “OH MY GOD” and “OH YES, OH YES” I then decided to play the video clip again, only this time with my eyes shut, so that I would be able to concentrate on the voice, and not all the other things that were going on. I did manage to keep my eyes closed, after another 3 or 4 attempts, then I knew who this woman was. However I will not be spilling any beans, not on this blog anyway, because if that is what floats her boat, that is up to her, it is not for me to judge, although strictly it would be a 9…

Local news……… Dodgy Dave has decided to appeal against his conviction for selling fake Rolex watches. He is defending himself, and will be trying to plea-bargain his way out of jail. His defence will be that he was unaware that the watches were not made by Rolex, and that even if he was aware of that fact, it would have only been ”An Error of Judgement” Well there are lots of people in London, and elsewhere no doubt, having “An Error of Judgement” regarding their expenses claims.

With regard to MP’s expenses claims, what is their salary for? They claim for meals, clothing, transport, television, mobile phones, cars, petrol, 2nd houses, bills, etc. etc. etc. 

Now onto excerpts from the Tws Book of Englishie Lesson thingies.

To, Too, Two.     I have been to the toilet, because I had too much to eat last night. I wiped my bum two times, once up, and once down.

Your, you’re.  Oh your hair is looking nice this evening. You’re just back from the hairdressers.

Of, off.  Stornoway is on the Isle of Lewis.  The Western Isles are just off the north west coast of Scotland

There, their, they’re.  Over there is where they’re going to have their picnic.

Most computers do have a Spellchecker on them. My PC has a Spellchecker on it, but sometimes it is incorrect, or is an American Spellchecker. I use the Tws..Homographic Phonetic method of spelling. It may be unconventional, but it does the trick.. 

That’s your lot today. I’d like to thank you for coming here and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in. Have we learned anything today? I don’t know about you, but I learned a few new things anyway……….Cheery…

Those 2 chaps from I’m a Jungle, get the celebrity out of me, that are being charge for killing and cooking a rat, well did they cook a Ratatouille?

The title should really be “Nowhere” I’ve been there a lot, and people from Nowhere are not very lucky on the roads. I’ve often heard drivers say, after they have knocked over a pedestrian ” He came from Nowhere” When I was a teenager ( insert joke here………………….) I often went Nowhere. My mother would ask me “Where are you going at this time of night?” and I’d reply “Nowhere” Well the times when I was feeling in a good mood. If you are trying to do something about the house, maybe repairing the washing machine, and someone may ask you how you’re getting on with the repair, and you may reply “Oh I’m getting Nowhere here” So where is Nowhere? I’m sure that we have all been there at some point in our lives. At school some teachers are often heard telling pupils that if they don’t pass their exams they’ll go Nowhere.

Nowhere has been twinned with Nothing, although it is mostly populated by young adults, as a parent may enquire as to where their off-spring is going out, and to do what? The answer is often “Nowhere and Nothing” If you have Nothing and come out of Nowhere, will you still get a ride in the ambulance to the A&E? Where is Nowhere? What is Nothing? Have you been to Nowhere? Is there really Nothing to do, and Nowhere to go? Is this weblog posting going Nowhere? Will there come a time, maybe not too far away, when I will have Nothing, and be going Nowhere? Oh maybe, just maybe I’m already there ????

I was of the understanding that banks were being more frugal with the monies that they have, or, as in some cases, don’t have. Now over the years the banks and I have not been seeing eye to eye with each other. It goes back to a time when I was a mere lad with too much money to spend, then the money stopped coming in, but the mere lad ( that’ll be me again) that I was, I did not adjust my spending habits. This is where the Red/Black colour blindness excuse sounded good in my head, but not in the heads of any bankers.I did, as one would expect, run up a bit of an overdraft. I did, shortly after finding gainful employment, but not in the same country as the Bank. I did make an effort to pay back all the monies that I had spent, that was borrowed from the Bank without their permission. Being young, there would be one or two weeks, here and there, that I decided not to pay off my arrears and spend the money on something that I thought would be more beneficial. The Bank kept sending me letters each payment that I missed, and, you’ll never believe this, charging me for sending the letters. Did I ask them to send me a letter reminding me that I missed a payment? No I did not, because I knew that I had missed a payment. The amount of monies due to the Bank was actually getting more and more with each missed payment, and each letter sent. I sat in my Bed-Sit in Brighton, looking at all these letters ( I did miss more payments than I made payments, well the nearest Branch of The Bank was miles away) and decided to do something about it, take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and as a 19 year old lad that I was, I went to the pub to give me some inspiration. I inspired myself into a stupor. I awakened the following morning to find that someone had got into my Bed-Sit, and tried to set fire to the letters, but must have had second thoughts and put the lit letters out with the remnants of a curry. A lucky escape I think. I decided to move from my current dwellings, at that time, and share accommodation with a friend, I also thought it would be a good idea if this move was done at a time when the town was not too busy, about 1 o’clock in the morning.

This turned out to be a good move by myself, as the letters from the Bank stopped coming. In fact I never had another letter from the Bank again, so the move of address was beneficial to the Bank as they did not have to keep on sending these costly letters. All of this occurred quite a few years ago, and I have now made my peace with the Bank, and we have agreed that I should only spend money that I have in my account, which is mine, and I won’t spend any of their monies. However it appears that The Banking World have forgiven me for my youthful over-sight, and have given me a credit card ( a move which raised the eyebrows of Herself) Once I use it, they will give me £15 to spend on Amazon, I will go to the Co-op to purchase a Mars Bar, then visit Amazon to get my £15’s worth of goodies, then never use the card again, unless there is a real emergency.

That’s it then, thank you, as ever, for visiting my little corner of the Blogosphere, and I do hope that you will have learned something by coming here, and reading this thing that I do. Cheery…