Merry Christmas, Happy Yuletide To You ALL

From everyone at Thewhitesettlers Croft

I underlined the word “all” because some people may, like me, not be into all the Jesus and God stuff, in fact sometimes, and this is only a personal opinion, it spoils Xmas a bit. I like all the Santa and Sleigh-bells stuff, and the giving and receiving of presents, and all the eating and drinking stuff that goes on. I like all those bits of Xmas. There may also be people out there who are not Christians, and believe in a different God, who isn’t into all the Santa stuff, and just wants you to worship Him all the time, if that’s what floats yer boat, then fine carry on, but don’t poke yer nose into my Xmas to try and spoil it. You are quite welcome to celebrate Xmas along with everyone else ( when in Rome, and all that, ye know what I mean!) that’s fine, but don’t go about saying that all the Xmas celebrations offends you. Then get some eejit councilors to try and change Xmas, by calling it Winter Festival, and banning the Nativity. These things are part of this country, it’s a time when people actually speak to each other nicely, until Boxing Day when, well arguments start, and well it’s not called Boxing day for nothing.

Maybe you can make up a festival, or celebration of your own at this time of year. That would be grand, because nobody will complain, and if they do, you can point out that Christians hijacked the Pagan festival, and stole it, then called it Christmas.

Have A Cheery Xmas

All good things must end sometime

On the snow covered wilderness, that is the Tws Croft, I could see someone or something in the distance. Whatever it was, it was getting closer, and closer, until.
*Please click on title to view this weblog post

T’was a cold night in Thewhitesettlers Croft, they had no peat to put on the fire, then someone, or something rang the doorbell, which shocked Tws, as they did not have a doorbell, as Getoffthe ( the faithful dog, although she is technically…) drew the short straw, she went to open the door, then to her surprise, nay shock, her eyes looked upon …………………..

The title should really be “Nowhere” I’ve been there a lot, and people from Nowhere are not very lucky on the roads. I’ve often heard drivers say, after they have knocked over a pedestrian ” He came from Nowhere” When I was a teenager ( insert joke here………………….) I often went Nowhere. My mother would ask me “Where are you going at this time of night?” and I’d reply “Nowhere” Well the times when I was feeling in a good mood. If you are trying to do something about the house, maybe repairing the washing machine, and someone may ask you how you’re getting on with the repair, and you may reply “Oh I’m getting Nowhere here” So where is Nowhere? I’m sure that we have all been there at some point in our lives. At school some teachers are often heard telling pupils that if they don’t pass their exams they’ll go Nowhere.

Nowhere has been twinned with Nothing, although it is mostly populated by young adults, as a parent may enquire as to where their off-spring is going out, and to do what? The answer is often “Nowhere and Nothing” If you have Nothing and come out of Nowhere, will you still get a ride in the ambulance to the A&E? Where is Nowhere? What is Nothing? Have you been to Nowhere? Is there really Nothing to do, and Nowhere to go? Is this weblog posting going Nowhere? Will there come a time, maybe not too far away, when I will have Nothing, and be going Nowhere? Oh maybe, just maybe I’m already there ????

What is a friend? That is a question. Some people have different views on what a friend should be.  Some people expect different levels of loyalty, from different friends. I try to treat all of my friends equally. ( Did you notice that *Friends* was in the plural? Which indicates that I have more than one friend. It could also indicate that I am including my imaginary friends, to make it look as if I’m not a Tws-no-mates saddo) I have devised rules of what my friends should expect from me, and I from them, in differing life situations…#

1. If you are upset and sad, I will help you get pissed, and round up the boys, to get the sh*te that’s upset you.

2. When you are blue, I will stop choking you with my bare hands

3. When you feel frightened, or scared I will piss myself laughing (at you, not with you) and mock you, until you no longer feel frightened

4. When you are worried, I will do my best to tell you how worse things could be until you stop going on.

5. When you are perplexed or confused, I will try to only use little words, and spell the bigger words for you

6. When you fall ill, and are sick, I will stay as far away from you as possible, until you are better, as passing on germs is not very friendly of you

7. If you fall or trip I will laugh my fecking erse off, then help you up, or phone for an ambulance, whichever is required. I may also exaggerate the extent of your injury ( in a mocking tone)

8. When I see you smiling, I will put my arm over your shoulder (in a manly, friendly way, of course) as I know that you will, more than likely, be thinking about something that I would want to be involved in with.

9. When you get drunk and make a complete arse of yourself. I will promise to fill you in on all the details the following morning, in between fits of laughter.

10. That is my rules of friendship, and I promise to do my utmost to follow these rules, because you are my friend..

That’s it for another weblog post. I, as ever, thank you for coming here, and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in, this place being, the world (in)famous Island Blogging. Did you learn something today? Of course you did, why else would you come here for? Cheery…

As I open my email, I see an email that may perk me up.

“Hi Tws, someone has sent you an Ecard”

Tws-: “Oh goody, goody, goody I like getting Ecards, I wonder who it is from? Hmm, now let me think. Could it be from? Nah, doubt it I’ve never received an Ecard from them before, Oh it’s opened up now.

“To view your Ecard please click here and download the software”

Tws-: Woah, hang on a minute there Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, I think that one of us, that’ll be me and you, Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, is telling *Pork-Pies* ( that’s lies, so Carol doesn’t need to ask) and I can assure you Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, it ain’t me.

” Please click on the yellow bar above to download software, and view over 10,000 fun Ecards”

Tws-: No I will not. The day I let some fraudulent Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, tell me what to do, is the day Hell freezes over. Oh that yellow bar? Maybe I could just click on it, and if I don’t like any of the Ecards, I could just delete/remove the software later, yes? NO! NO! NO! Remember what Herself has said to you about downloading frivolous software?

Tws2-: Actually no I don’t remember.

Tws1-:Well let me remind you, shall I?

Tws2-:Emm, no don’t bother, I’ve decided NOT, to download Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard anyway, how can one trust an email that lies to one at the very start?

Tws1-: That’s good thinking there my man, forget about it, and move on with your virtual life. Don’t let these flirtatious emails get to you, you’re better than them.

Tws2- Yeah you’re right, but, there is one thing that is really getting to me, a little nagging, thing at the back of my mind.

Tws1-: Yes carry on, let it all out, we’re here to help you ( We???)

Tws2-: How come you got to be Tws1? I’m the one that started all of this in the first place, I should be Tws1, not you.

Tws1-: They are only numbers for goodness sake Tws2, just let it go, or it could spoil your whole weekend.

Tws2-: That Mr Someone has sent you an Ecard, has already spoilt my weekend, I thought that maybe, just maybe, someone was sending me an early (significant) birthday Ecard. 

Tws1-: Oh hang fire there No.2, I thought that you didn’t want to be reminded about your, upcoming, significant birthday?

Tws2-: Yeah, but, well, you know, that’s what I want everyone to think, I’m just trying to play it cool, because, if you remember, *Only The Good Die Young* and once I’ve hit that age, well am I considered young anymore?

Tws1-: Wait there No.2

Tws2-:( Butting In ) I’m not sure I like you calling me “No.2″

Tws1-: Okay then I won’t call you that, but getting back to my point, did I have a point? Anyway, there are still a few days to go before your significant birthday, a whole weekend to get through in fact, so if you’ve been *Good* you’ll pop yer cork/kick the bucket/drop down dead before Tuesday

Tws2-: Oh thanks for that buddy, you’ve really perked me up a bit now. Just one question though, if *Only The Good Die Young* ( A Good Title for a Clint Eastwood film/movie?) does that make all those old people out there BAD? 

Well that’s it then for another weblog posting, wait though, a bit of lacal news, the dog show is on this weekend, and Getoffthe will be there, if you see Her there, please don’t laugh at Her, she is only going along with it, to keep the peace. So thank you for coming here and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in, this place being, the (in)famous Island Blogging. Now have we learned anything new here today? Yes, I believe that we have, we have learned that not all SPAM tastes yummy, some leave a very nasty, bitter taste in the mouth. That’s it then. Cheery…

Now you’ve gone, will you blog about the Kingdom of Fife EffCee?

I believe that The Kingdom has some wonderful scenery

Take a stroll out and about, to view where the shore greets the sea

The contrasting colours of Mother Nature’s shared ecstasy

Orkney’s loss, may well be the Kingdom’s gain, we’ll just wait and see

Picket fences may be picturesque, but not for you and me

An abode near the shore is tempting, only dreams are for free

Everyone has a dream home, like a cottage by the sea

EffCee no more, AC no more, Scallowawife no more,

Annie B no more, Ruthodanort no more, Hermit Life no more,

NiconColl no more, Oriental Ghost no more, Squidgy The Otter no more,

Crofter Bill no more, Muness Views no more, Back of Beyond no more,

Island Threads no more, Sunny no more, mountainman no more,

Coco’s View no more, EffCee no more, Thewhitesettler no more,

Cheery no more, Getoffthe no more, Herself no more,

Little Herself no more, Boy no more, Dodgy Dave no more,

Blogging no more…..

Yeah, I know it’s not May Day today, but I’m getting in early, trying to be the first one that wishes you ALL ( yes even those from across the oceans, who do not celebrate May Day) A Happy and Peaceful May Day.

I’m not sure if wishing you a HAPPY May Day  is the done thing, maybe I should? Oh yes, I’ll do that, emm, right now, I have to stop for a wee minute to get the stuff that I want to put in this weblog posting, so stick the kettle on, or empty your bowels, or whatever you wanna do, as Arnie once(too often) said “I’ll be back”…

Right I’m back, I bought a new mobile ‘phone this morning from Tessa Cohens’ wee grocery store, by the Ferry terminal. This is the first “Brand New” mobile ‘phone that I have ever owned. It ( the mobile ‘phone) does not have any legs, or wheels, therefore it ( the Mobile ‘phone) relies on my good self to keep it ( the mobile ‘phone) mobile, and if you have read any of the things that I do, in this place that I do it in, then you will know that I am not very mobile. I managed to put some credit into the (not too) mobile ‘phone, by pressing buttons and listening to a very nice lady ( I don’t really know if she is very nice, she may be a real nasty b*tch ( not the doggy bitch, but the American Son of a B*itch, bitch) but she sounded nice) I then texted my good lady wife ( allegedly) a bit like the telephone inventor chappy Alexander Graham Bell, with a short message *HELLO* Short and sweet, you may think, however I forgot that my good lady wife (allegedly) did not know that I had purchased a new (not very)mobile ‘phone, so she did not know that it was me. I then tapped on the numbered keys of my (not very) mobile ‘phone, to speak with my good lady wife (allegedly) so that she would know that it was me, and not one of those “Stalkers”. She ( my good lady wife(allegedly)) then texted me back, and I was able to read the message, on the teeny weeny screen that my (not so very) mobile ‘phone has. The message read “Hello Yourself”.

Back to May Day celebrations.

Hopefully these pictures will bring back happy memories of May Days of a bygone era…

That’s yer whack for today peoples. Thank you for coming here and reading this thing that I do in this place that I do it in. Have we learnt something today? Of course we have, this would not be a Tws.. Weblog posting if there was nothing to learn. I will be heading south on May Day and returning home next Tuesday. I will be accomponied by a male person, that resides in Thewhitesettlers’ Croft. I would just like to make it clear that, my good friend, Dodgy Dave, is on an extended holiday, and nothing else. It is one of the down-sides of DD’s trading, that he, from time to time ( oh did ya C wot I did there? Well didya?) is given unexpected holiday time. DD usually uses this time to unwind, re-charge the batteries, sow mailbags and other stuff.

Have a good weekend folks and I will catch up with you all next week. Cheery…..

Getoffthe has a new best friend